rock bottom

just like what we learned at bsf this year, the book of isiah talked about God bringing people down to zero. not that i think i was ever high and mighty, but i have certainly reached rock bottom. i have lost respect of myself.

things happened for a reason. i did something wrong. im duly punished by it. i cried harder than i ever did before, ashamed of myself. yes, a cell leader, a deacon.. i failed God, i failed the church, i failed the people i care about.

so the trial that i have been waiting for came in the form of this. and did i fail badly.

while i cannot say that the dust has settled, but God has not disintegrate me into ashes. i will not despair, i will not stray. God humbled me, so that I know I need Him. I'm not gonna despair, but I'll do things right.

Thank you God for this lesson. Pray that you protect and heal the people i hurt along the way.

the wait..

have u ever gotten yourself into trouble, and you have to face some form of punishment, or the consequences of your actions? i got myself into such a situation, and unfortunately, i have to wait some time, knowing the punishment is coming for me. this is by far the longest and most painful wait i ever had to do, even more than i was a kid, knocked over an oil lamp and attempted to hide the fact from my parents.

it's not the punishment i dread, i totally deserve it, from the way i handled things. what i hate is the hurt and pain i brought to the people i care about..

im sorry..

to the past and back..

i was talking to a friend about my old blog just the other day, and that got me interested in what i was like years ago.. so i went to read my previous posts, all the way from 2005.

i shouldnt be, but was i a little surprise with what i read. i was so angsty and emotional! i'm very thankful that i have come a long way since (or rahther i hope i do since i may not be the best judge of myself)..

i also start many posts with "its been a while since i blog...".. guess i do go thru cycles when i'll feel like blogging and when i dont feel like (or cant think of anything to blog).. and i havent been updating very often, even though a few times, i wanted to.. i opened up my blogger, and just nothing comes out.. looks like somethings have indeed changed.. but some just dont..

it's not like nothing is happening and hence i got nothing to talk about.. but somehow.. the words just arent coming out..